Elements of Michelle

A reflection from long time ago to remind myself who i am.

I sometimes do not know why I take antidepressants. I am not anxious most of the time unless the problems I choose not to deal with accumulate, and they burst. However, I do feel despondent at times when my reality does not match up with my ideals. Or when I am dissatisfied with my reality. Why am I sad about my existence? What continues to make gaping holes in my reality? What is the method, or what is that something that will conceal those holes? Systems engineers, computer scientists, finance… chemistry. Those subject areas often define us as our identity. As the performer from NYC (Rouletista) elaborated upon his story about his identity, as he showed people how they view themselves through the identity cards “I Am …” I felt like “curiosity” is what defined me. Veronica’s identity was “storyteller” and “something else I do not remember.” What does that even mean? What does curiosity mean? It’s just a trait, it is just a lifestyle, it is just my thought process style, so it must be my identity?

Some people’s identity cards were defined by their job titles. Job titles that describe people? Like the beginning of Futurama, where the government inserted the job chips that defined their eternal job duties? I studied Philosophy, Ancient Civilizations, Religions, Greek Mythology, and the art of storytelling (Dan Harmon) to achieve what? What was I curious about, and what do these topics mean to me? I feel stuck in a loop to be an NPC in life. I need to figure out what my curiosity means and what parts of life they pertain to break out of my cycle and realize that I am an NPC. The knowledge of realizing that I am NPC will help me break out of my preconceptions about my life and the path/social goals I was blindly following.

Today is December 1st. The start of another month. Every time a new month starts, I feel like I need a new mindset. A new set of goals and aspirations to achieve. A new set of hobbies, a break from my old self. But what is all that for? What does my old self even mean? Who is my old self? What are the “bad habits” that I categorize as? Maybe my old self is someone that I have neglected and not loved. Instead, I have been labeling them as “bad” because I did not love myself properly. I need to love my characteristics and stop the need to “improve” myself all the time. This need to “improve” is deteriorating my self-image and the positive attributes that I inherently have. I need to think about my “bad attributes” and truly realize they are “good attributes,” and appreciate who I am. What I am. And my inherent, true identity.